hello there my beautiful lovely internet friends welcome back to my channel it's been a minute since i got to say that about a month month and a half ago i sort of disappeared off of most of the internet and here on youtube and there's a reason for that and i'm making today's video to sort of explain that because i do not feel like the same person that i was a month ago two months ago and literally nothing in my life looks even remotely the same and i want to share this with you because i don't think i can come back to just making like fun content or whatever that might be because that's not like that might be where i am in some moments but i can't fake a smile for the camera right now um i'm just gonna try to do this in one take so i hope you'll excuse the uh and the ums and perhaps the longer than would be normally acceptable on youtube pauses but i am deeply unwell um in the past two months my life doesn't is unrecognizable i think is the best word that i could use um back in march i made the decision to end my marriage with brian we are in the process of getting divorced it's very amicable as much as these things can be there's no reason anyone should be you know upset or direct any anger towards brian at all this is just a decision that i had to make and one that is awful and breaks my heart and breaks his heart and if you've ever gone through something like this i think you know what i mean um that alone is enough to turn life completely upside down it is astounding to me the ways that ending a long-term relationship touches every single aspect of your life socially mentally obviously emotionally financially there's nothing in your life that really exists without the other person or at least there wasn't for me and before i get to some of the other things that have occurred i i realized that i have spent my entire adult life basically with someone with the same person going through hard things and now that i am doing life suddenly on my own um i don't know how to handle it and i have a lot of shame in saying that because i'm like joe you just turned 31.

you should probably have your uh you should probably have your [ __ ] together but i'm here to tell you that i certainly do not um you guys might be familiar with my dogs from my channel if you know me in real life you know that my dogs are my life like i am a dog person to my very core and when i moved out i brought sadie sophie and sully with me my three doggos and we adopted sully about six months ago when we got him we knew he had a heart condition the extent of that heart condition was not exactly clearly disclosed and basically he got sick pretty quickly got very visibly unwell pretty quickly and i had to make the decision to put down my 10 month old puppy about three weeks ago three and a half weeks ago which was crushing and up until that moment uh like moving out all of that i was proud of myself that i was holding it together i was like man this is hard but i'm doing the things that i need to do i'm reaching out to my friends i'm staying active i'm eating i'm you know whatever i need to do to like get through hard things in a good way and i'm i'm proud of myself for that and when sully died that like set off this chain event of probably just honest emotion and reacting to everything that's going on and i fell the hell apart and started getting to a very unwell mental place um and i put up a post on instagram i think a week ago today maybe saying you know hey this is what's been going on it's just me and my shepherds now and i posted a picture with sadie right there and sophie right here sitting right there and um i think it was the next day that i was playing tennis ball with my girls in the backyard and um sophie and sadie hit their heads together they were both going for a tennis ball and it wasn't even that hard or at least it didn't look it and sadie went down and couldn't get back up and i couldn't pick her up on my own because she was like 80 pounds thankfully my neighbors were home and could help me and i got her in the car and brought her to the er and then a couple hours later she was gone she had a just it was like a freak accident and a spinal injury and sadie was my everything dog i got her after trauma that i went through years ago when i was in a very dark place and i swear to god that dog was the only reason i survived um she saved my life i know people say that about dogs all the time but like she really did and she was like my heart dog um and i spent the next 11 years of her life because that's how long i had her trying to thank her for everything she did for me and so now i'm sitting here in this house that i have rented that is so quiet because there's not panting and tons of paws and there's no one else here it's just me and sophie who is sad and confused because she's always had buddies and me who is sad and confused and i am absolutely falling apart and i don't say that for a cause for concern or anything like that but in my journey on the internet it's always been very therapeutic for me to share with you where i honestly am as much as i can in any moment and as i've done that i've shared some heavy things before you know going through amputation dealing with depression dealing with suicidal thoughts and being honest with that but looking back even as i did that i still felt like i had some kind of handle on pieces of my life like even if it felt like it was a wreck even if i felt completely broken and like everything was falling apart there i felt like there was always sort of a thread and i feel like i have lost that thread and that is one of the reasons why i haven't wanted to make videos because i feel lost um and here's the thing i feel like it's a curse of having gone through difficult things before in life i know that i have the ability to get through this i know i have the capacity to right i know that i might not have all the resources right now um but i know that i can reach out i know that i can grow and expand my coping and my processing skills and like i i can find a way through this i know that for a fact i believe in my strength and in my perseverance the problem is i just don't want to i am so tired of being strong i'm so tired on a core level of hard things and i want to roll my eyes when i say that because i'm like everyone is joe deal with it but i am not well uh i'm in the moments when i'm thinking straight very proud of the fact that there have been some moments in the past couple of weeks where i recognized i was uh gonna be an active danger to myself if i stayed alone and so in those moments i've called people i've gone and stayed with people um i'm trying to do the things like reach out to friends go to therapy stay in touch with people and i'll continue doing those things i know that i will find my way through this but i don't know how to want to right now please understand i do have support i am safe i will be safe i will be here i just don't know what that's going to look like because i feel like all of my wires have been ripped out i feel like the core of who i am is sort of shattered at the moment i don't want to deal with things well i don't want to go through this in a healthy way i feel like a teenager again in some ways where i just wanna i just wanna throw a fit and break things and uh deal with things in a horrible way um the impact that this has all had on me there's so much loss i feel like i blinked and all of the things that i held dear were gone or very different and i'm not coping well with that but i will continue to make the commitment to find my way through it and i wanted to make this video and i appreciate you listening to this in one take because i'd much rather do this in a put together fashion when i've actually showered in the last couple of days and maybe have some makeup on and and are making jokes about things and trying to keep things more light and fun i appreciate you listening to me as i am because i believe in trying to be honest about where we are because i personally have found a lot of benefit in hearing from other people when they genuinely are not okay so i'm not gonna try to fake it because i don't have that in me right now and i hope that i hope you aren't but i hope that if you are ever have been in a similar place of feeling absolutely to your core wrecked i hope you know you're not alone i know i'm not alone though it is hard to remember that in some moments and i'm going to continue making videos here because i know that that is one thing that is good for me it has always been a very beneficial thing to my mental health and it's also my job now um but it's something i enjoy doing and i may come back with fun happy videos because it's a good distraction and i may come back with more you know serious videos talking about deeper emotions because i also enjoy doing that and think it's important to do but i didn't want to just pop back on youtube like everything was the same because i am not the same and i don't know how to be right now and i feel like i could keep rambling and probably saying the same thing for a very long time but i think that is the core of what i wanted to say um one last thing actually a number of people have noticed my absence and reached out to me and if you're one of those people thank you it is so sweet and so kind that you would notice i haven't been posting and that's weird and hey are you okay um and then when i kind of put the announcement up on instagram about stuff that had been going on and the decisions that i've made i was terrified to do that because i expect the internet to be the internet sometimes but i find that i am consistently shocked by how kind you are and people are absolutely amazing amazing so thank you guys for that and thank you my lovely audience for listening um i don't know how to end this video other than ending it so i'm gonna go back to my uh the way that i've ended videos for like three years now and say you could be anywhere else in the world doing anything else but you chose to hang out with me here for a few minutes and listen to me speak that means the world to me thank you i love you guys i'm thinking about you and i will see you in the next video bye guys

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